Archive for the 'Humour' Category

What John really meant

“When I said we were bigger than Jesus, I meant our combined height was about 26 feet. Surely nobody can be that tall.” – John Lennon

Seeing red

Rachel hides her father's idols by Giovan Battista Tiepolo 1696 – 1770

The story so far: To compensate for a lack of dowry, Rachel takes her father’s statues of familiars (terafim) when she sets out for Canaan with her husband Jacob. Her father, Laban, catches up with them and demands his possessions back. Jacob does not know what Rachel has done. Rachel is shown sitting in the saddle with the statues, claiming she cannot get up since she is menstruating. Full story found in Genesis 31: 34. 35.

Meanwhile, beneath the saddle:

Idol 1: Have you forgotten your vitamins again? You have runny nose.

Idol 2: I don’t have runny nose.

Idol 1: There’s red goo coming out of nose … actually, it looks like blood.

Idol 2: I was about to say the same thing about that gel on your head.

Methuselah’s 968th birthday

Altogether, Methuselah lived 969 years, and then he died. Gen 5:27

Mathuselah is the oldest person mentioned in the bible. He passed away just before the beginning of the great flood. According to Rabbi Rashi, the Holy One delayed the Flood in honour of the 7 days of mourning for the righteous Methuselah. Incidentally, the latter was also the grandfather of Noah. The same Noah who obeyed God and built the ark that saved him and his family. Imagine the atmosphere during his (Mathuselah’s) birthday parties.

“For the 100th time – your classmates are too dead to come for your birthday party and no, they won’t be attending the reunion too.”

“Grandpa says he needs a fire extinguisher to put out all 968 candles.”

“Your insurance agent called – actually, more like your insurance agent’s great great great great grandson. He wants to talk to you about the premiums again.”

“Noah’s wife is allergic to animal fur? So what’s the problem?”

“Heard he begins every morning with coffee and obituaries – same thing he’s been doing for the past 900 years.”

“Gah! Look at the mess the guests made! Imagine if we had like a huge flood just to wash everything away.”

The Mathuselah tree. The oldest known non-clonal organism still alive, at the ripe young age of about 4,841 years old. It is the oldest known individual tree in the world. Find it in the Inyo National Forest, California, USA.

Christmas gift ideas

With Christmas around the corner, I thought it might be fun to shop for various bible personalities.


After his unexpected journey in the belly of a great fish, JONAH could used a life-sized Toys ‘R’ Us dingy by Micheal Johansson. Price available upon request.


JUDAS, treasurer of the Lord’s apostles, will need something to cart off carry the loot. Bag of money, $10 from Three Potato Four.


For NOAH, something to make the ark look pretty. Singing in the rain shower curtains, $20 from Amazon.


For ELIJAH – who called on the Lord to send fire from heaven – something for his study table. Light bulb from Dropular. Price available upon request.


Old LAZARUS spent four days in the grave before jesus raised him up. Some bling to go with his new status, perhaps? Delfina Delettrez skeleton hand bracelet, $30,420 from Luisa Via Roma.


For the Apostle JOHN, author of Revelations, who saw the end of the world and the beginning of a new one. Everything is OK poster by Amos Kennedy. $35.


Wire frame 10″ letters. $8 each from Urban Outfitters. For the builders of the Tower of Babel, all of whom could speak a new language as soon as the project was completed.


Brainy bathing cap for King SOLOMON the Wise. From atypyk. Price available upon request.


I’m guessing here but when PETER denied the Lord three times, he probably didn’t want his photo taken and tagged on Facebook. Don’t tag me in this photo t-shirt, $24 on Cafe Press.

And finally, for gift ideas that look good on just about anybody with a body, there’s always Sunday Morning tees. Sorry, couldn’t resist the plug.

The dowry

Fat David by Scholz & Friends

Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased. “I will give her to him,” he thought, “so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.” So Saul said to David, “Now you have a second opportunity to become my son-in-law.”

Then Saul ordered his attendants: “Speak to David privately and say, ‘Look, the king is pleased with you, and his attendants all like you; now become his son-in-law.’ “

They repeated these words to David. But David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.”

When Saul’s servants told him what David had said, Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’ ” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David and his men went out and killed two hundred Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented the full number to the king so that he might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage. 1 Sam 18-26

***

David: Hey you! See any Philistines around here?

Gath: Philis …? Philistine?! You’re talking to one, bro. Born and bred in this fine country!

David: Gath?

Gath: David?

David: My man!

Gath: Giant-killer David! What can I do for you today, buddy? Anything you want, it’s yours!

David: Now that you mentioned it, I need a small favour …

***

Saul: What do you plan to do with all these Philistine foreskins, my daughter?

Michal: I was thinking of making a necklace.

Saul: A n-n-necklace? Like, to … to wear around the neck?

Michal: Yes!

Saul: Uh…

Michal: Well, not for me – I’d look silly in it!

Saul: Oh, thank G0d!

Michal: It’s for you and mom.

 ***

Minstrel: David! We were just thinking of composing a new song for you.

David: I love songs! What’s it like?

Minstrel: This one is called ‘Fetcher of foreskins’

David: Catchy.

7-headed mayhem

Revelations 17 talks about a 7-headed beast. Yes, I know it’s symbolic and a prophecy of future events. But imagine the chaos if such a creature actually, literally existed.

On a date at a fancy restaurant

Head 4: (Sniff, sniff) Psst – did you fart?

Head 5: No, you farted.

Head 4: I think the whole restaurant heard it. This evening is not going well.

Cute girl: (Sniff, sniff) Do you guys smell something funny?

Heads 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 (all together): Nope.

 

At the amusement park

Cashier: Let’s see, there’s 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 of you … that’ll be $168 please.

Heads 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 (simultaneously): What?!

Head 1: Look, there’s only one of us.

Head 2: C’mon, we won’t occupy more than one seat.

Cashier: I don’t make the rules around here.

Head 6: What about the earlier guy? 7 bodies, only 1 head – how much did he pay?

Cashier: Him? $24.

Head 1: This is daylight robbery, you know that?

 

At the urinal

Head 1: What are you looking at?!

Head 4: Nothing.

 

At the movies

Head 1: Now, I plan to enjoy this movie and I don’t want to hear any stupid questions. You dimbos heard that?

Head 3: What happens if somebody hits Iron Man in the chest?

Head 5, 6: Sssssshhhhh!

Head 3: Oh yeah.

(9 minutes later …)

Head 3: Hey, you guys are eating all my popcorn!

Apostle Paul vs Tina Turner

Paul: Love is patient, love is kind.

Tina: What’s love got to do, got to do with it?

Paul: It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Tina: What’s love but a second hand emotion?

Paul: It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Tina: What’s love got to do, got to do with it?

Paul: Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Tina: Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

Paul: Love never f … Will you cut that out already? I’m trying to write here, and you’re annoying me!